Didn't I Tell You?

Jesus responded, "Didn't I tell you that you would see God's glory if you believed?"     John 11: 40

     I was 5 when my little sister was born.  And I was 6 when she died.  Kandi Ann Perky was born on May 20, 1966 with cancer and died nine long, excruciating months later.  I was so young I don’t remember – or didn’t understand – a great deal of what was going on, but what I do remember is vivid.  I remember climbing the tree at my dad’s Aunt Lorena’s farm where my little brother and I stayed while our parents took Kandi to Oklahoma City for tests, surgeries, and treatments.  From there we could see for miles across the flat, Oklahoma Panhandle countryside.  We would stand vigil in that tree watching and waiting for our parents to come home.  I will never forget the day they came home without my baby sister.  I will also never forget sitting at her funeral staring at the funny little bed at the front of the church and wondering why Kandi was sleeping way up there.  I kept watching and waiting for her to wake up and start crying so mom could go up and get her and everything would be alright again.  But she didn’t wake up. . . and she didn’t cry . . . and we didn’t take her home.  I was an adult before I really understood, and therefore was able to deal with, everything that happened during Kandi’s short life and subsequent death.

     I was 42 when the same beloved brother who kept vigil with me in the tree all those years ago contracted a horrendous disease from a kidney/pancreas transplant and spent the next 11 months fighting a brutal battle that took his life at 38 years of age.  I was much older and much better equipped to understand what was going on in a lot of ways – but in a lot of ways I still felt like that 5 year old, waiting for the nightmare to end and life to return to “normal”.  I sat at Kevin’s funeral and had flashbacks of sitting at Kandi’s 35 years earlier.  I knew it was not feasible, but, oh how wonderful if he could just sit up, whole and well again, and walk out of the church and go home to raise his young family as he had so desperately wanted to do!

     Suffice it to say I truly can relate to Mary and Martha.  I think we all can.  Don’t think I haven’t spent my fair share of prayers railing on God, asking Him why He couldn’t heal my siblings – why my parents have had to go through the pain of losing not one but two of their children when no parent should have to experience that at all.  This is the stage Mary and Martha were experiencing when Jesus arrived after their brother Lazarus had died and they had buried him.

“Where have you been, Jesus?”  they said.  “If you had been here, Lazarus wouldn’t have died!  Why weren’t you here when we needed you?  Don’t you care?”  Now I’ve taken a little literary license here, of course, but isn’t that how our conversations go at times like these?  But if you’ve read the verses before these, you know that Jesus very much knew what was going on and deliberately waited until THAT time to arrive.  Why?  Because He had a plan.  He tried to tell Martha about it, but she was too caught up in her own grief and pain to understand what He was telling her.  He promised her that her brother would rise again.  She misunderstood and went about her grieving.  I’m afraid my first reaction to this is a little judgmental, but I have to keep in mind I have the benefit of knowing the rest of the story.  After all, if someone had sat down beside me at Kevin’s funeral and said, “Watch!  Your brother is going to get up out of that coffin in just a minute and be whole again!” I would have thought they were crazy!  As much as I believe in God’s power and as much as I wanted it to be true, I would never have expected that it really was going to happen.  I can also very much understand Jesus’ frustration that her human little mind could not wrap itself around the concept of what He really was trying to tell her.  When she questioned His actions (and don’t we all do that today?), His response was, “Didn’t I tell you that you would see God’s glory if you believe?”  And see God’s glory they did!  Lazarus was raised from the dead and was perfectly whole again.

Let’s back up a bit and look at something.  How would this story have changed had Martha really been in tune with what Jesus was telling her to begin with?  What if she had truly grasped on to His promise the first time He told her?  How would that have changed things?  Well, Jesus still would have raised Lazarus from the dead.  That would not have changed.  The changes, I believe, would all have been for Mary and Martha.  If they had listened and understood Jesus’ original promise, it would have saved them a lot of grief and sadness.  Instead they would have experienced great joy and anticipation of what Jesus was about to do.  This would have required a GREAT deal of faith, but hadn’t Jesus proven He was able?  And if they were living in anticipation of what Jesus what was about to do wouldn’t they have run and told everyone they knew to come and watch?  Oh, what a missed opportunity! 

Now, let’s apply that to us today.  God has given us great and wonderful promises.  How often do we forget those and turn to fear and worry or grief and sadness?  Way too often!  At least I do!  It is part of our old nature.  But how different would our lives be if we kept His promises ever-present in our minds?  Our fear and grief would be replaced with anticipation and peace.  No, like Mary and Martha, we aren’t going to necessarily understand what God has in mind.  Just as I don't understand why my siblings had to suffer so and die so young, but we do know we serve a mighty, powerful, all-knowing God who loves us and has a plan for our lives – plans for good and not for disaster to give us hope for the future.  ^{Jeremiah 29:11} 

Hope for the future . . . did you catch that promise?   Every day there seems to be at least one new thing in the news that makes the future look darker and darker.  Every day new laws, social unrest, and criminal activity around us close in with fear and worry and defeat.  These are not from God, however.  He has promised us a future with a hope!  He knows what is going on – just like He did when Lazarus died.  He knows the struggles we experience, and it saddens Him just as Lazarus’ death did.    He understands our grief and our pain, but He does not want us to get stuck there!  He promises us a glorious outcome, and He has called us to look forward to it with great anticipation – to HIS plan in HIS timing and HIS will.  Does this take a GREAT deal of faith?  You bet it does!  But hasn’t He proven He’s able?  And what an awesome opportunity to point out the glory of God to those around us!

      

Lord, you know that life just gets to be overwhelming sometimes.  Sometimes it is hard to understand all the evil and deception  and selfishness and hatred that seems to monopolize every corner of our lives.  But, Lord, I claim your promises today that You have a plan for our hope,  I claim your promise today that You hold us in Your hand.  I claim your promise today that we are YOURS and nothing can touch us.  I praise You that, though we walk through valleys, You go with us.  May our eyes always stay on You with anticipation for the future.  Please ease our pain and fear and replace them with joy and peace that can only come from knowing that You are in control!  May the world see Your glory and know that You ARE the one and only true God!!

                                                Amen

Be Careful What You Pray For. . .

They told him, "Lord, come and see." Then Jesus wept. John 11:34b-35

     It has been said, and with good reason, be careful what you pray for because you just might get it. We have read over and over in our First 15 where Jesus promised that God does, indeed, hear our prayers and answer them. If ever I needed proof that this promise is true – and I don’t because I have vast personal experience – these past few weeks have been a very vivid and emotional reminder of their authenticity. If you have read very many of my previous entries, you know that I have been praying that God would open up my eyes and allow me to see others the way He sees them. I feel this will allow me to understand them and love them in a way I will never be able to through the limits of my own vision. Little did I know when I prayed this prayer just exactly where this journey would lead.  

     As you can already read between the lines and guess, God has answered my prayer, and I have, indeed, been seeing the people around me in deeper way – through His eyes of compassion. This has been a huge learning experience for me on so many levels. First, I was not ready for all the intense feelings I would experience. The waves of deep emotions that have engulfed me have left me drained and exhausted. My first reaction, of course, was to close my eyes to the pain and needs. This would help ease my grief and confusion and hopefully stop the spiritual warfare that had begun waging in my heart, but it would do nothing for the lost and hurting people I encountered everywhere I turned. Second, I have never felt so lost, alone, and completely inadequate. The needs were simply too massive for me to comprehend much less alleviate.

     During this time I found myself continually drawn to the story of Lazarus. Perhaps it was partly because Jesus experienced such a wide range of emotions in this passage. I believe it also had a lot to do with the truths found within these verses. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve read this story in the past couple of weeks, but the messages I’ve learned from it have been life-changing.

     First, I learned emotions are okay. Jesus experienced the full gamut during Lazarus’ death and resurrection. With all the emotions I had wrestling in my heart, I knew it was important that I pay close attention to how He dealt with His. First, He didn’t avoid His emotions, but met them head on in a controlled manner, not allowing what He was feeling to drive His actions. When He was frustrated, He didn’t lash out. When He was sad, He didn’t become so despondent He couldn’t fulfill God’s plan. Next, He didn’t keep His focus on His own reactions but on the situation around Him. Last, and probably most importantly, He took the situation to God in prayer. The result was life-changing for everyone involved! Lazarus was raised from the dead. The people witnessed an amazing miracle that pointed them to God. And God received great honor and praise.

     If closing my eyes was my first instinct, buckling under the weight of the emotional strain was my second reaction. After studying the story of Lazarus, however, I realized God was not calling me to “fix” everything. He was calling me to do what Jesus did when He became overwhelmed with grief - pray and trust God – so pray and trust I did. That was Sunday. Monday morning two women walked into my classroom and shared the most amazing news – news that sent a shiver down my spine and raised goose bumps on my arms. Their church has started a ministry in the area where I teach. They tirelessly reach out to these inner city families in a multitude of ways, and now they are starting a new ministry. This one will directly focus on the families I work with every day – the very people who I had been crying for, who I had been frustrated for, who I had been hurting for. I was speechless. I felt like I had just seen Lazarus rise and walk out of his tomb. What an awesome God we serve! He knows our needs. He knows our thoughts. He knows our future and has a plan. May I never see the world the same way again.

God, thank you for breaking my heart. It has not been a pleasant or easy journey, but the lessons I have learned have been life-changing and valuable. Please keep my eyes and my heart open to see the world as You do. Help me to always remember that feeling emotions is not a bad thing, but that I have to give them to You, deal with them as You would, and let the Holy Spirit guide me rather than my feelings. I praise You, Father. You are an awesome and wonderful God. Thank your for your love. Thank you for your provision. Thank you for your mercy and grace. May I always remember that You see the pain, You know the needs, and You have a plan. May I always remember to turn to You and trust You – even when I don’t understand  - especially when I don't understand - what is going on around me. May all honor and glory and praise be Yours forevermore, Amen. Amen.  Amen.

As Humble As A Little Child

Jesus called a little child to him and put the child among them. Then he said, “I tell you the truth, unless you turn from your sins and become like the little children, you will never get into the Kingdom of Heaven. So anyone who becomes as humble as this little child is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven.” Matthew 18:2-4.


     “As humble as a little child” – that phrase has rattled around in my brain all week. At first my reaction was, “Kids aren’t humble.” Let’s face it. We are born with a “Life is all about me” mentality. I’m hungry; feed me – NOW. I’m bored; play with me – NOW. I’m sleepy; put me to bed - NOW. I’m awake; come and get me – NOW. I’m wet; change me - NOW. The list goes on and on and on and the only thing that changes as we get older is what we demand, not the fact that we demand it - NOW. The term humble child just seemed like too much of an oxymoron until I meditated on it for awhile. Lord, what do you mean by “humble like a child”? What would a humble child look like? How would that apply to me?
     Children ask a lot of questions. Sometimes they ask so many questions we think our heads will explode, but we have to face the fact that asking questions is how they learn. But with all the questions they can rattle off in a day, there are certain questions they never seem to ask. Young kids don’t question their parents’ love – not even abused kids. They don’t question that tomorrow will be here or that their needs will be provided. The faith of a little child can often be almost tenacious. When our youngest daughter, was eight years old my cousin’s baby was born with a life-threatening heart defect. Kayla prayed for him every day, with an unwavering belief that everything was going to be alright. Today that little baby is a happy, healthy all-American boy. Perhaps it is okay that we ask God questions, but faith demands that we wholeheartedly and tenaciously believe in Who He is and what He can do.
     I am 49 years old and I don’t THINK my dad can fix anything, I KNOW he can fix everything. Nobody could ever tell me differently when I was a child, and nobody will ever be able to tell me differently. If one of my toys broke, I instantly took it to my dad, knowing he would make it all better. And he did! Now, sometimes it wasn’t the wisest thing to do. Sometimes the safest thing to do was throw the broken toy away. Of course, I didn’t like that answer, but it was for my own good. It wasn’t because he couldn’t fix it but because he shouldn’t fix it. The same goes for our relationship with Jesus. When something in our life is broken, our first reaction should be to take it to Him and ask Him to fix it, knowing beyond all doubt that He can. Too many times we stubbornly try to fix it ourselves and get hurt on the “pieces” when we need to rely on His wisdom. He is right there wanting to help. He also knows when the answer should be “No” this doesn’t need to be fixed.
     We have all watched a small child who has gotten hurt. The first he or she does is look around for mommy or daddy. The only thing that is going to make everything better is to feel their arms holding you safe and sound and telling you sweet words of comfort. Shouldn’t we be that way when life deals us hurtful blows? Do we climb up in God’s lap for comfort or do we wallow in our own pain and sorrow? He is, after all, there all the time.
     In Matthew 19 it never crossed the minds of the children who went to see Jesus that He might not want them there. Can’t you see them running across the field to see who could get to Him first? Can’t you see them trying to see who could climb up on His lap first? Can’t you hear them all talking at once, trying to get Him to hear them above all the others? Whether timid or bold I can’t imagine one child held back trying to decide whether or not Jesus wanted him to approach. How many of us have spent countless hours wondering if Jesus loves us, though? How many of us have held back from approaching Him because we don’t feel worthy? How many of us have listened to the world tell us to go away and leave Him alone? The faith of a child never considers these as options. Why wouldn’t Jesus want them there? Why wouldn’t Jesus want you there? He is calling us, right? Of course, He wants us to sit at His feet. He wants us to spend time with Him. He wants to give us His blessings just as He did the children.


Lord, help me be humble like a child. Help me have faith like a child. Help me not to take myself so seriously – to consider myself so important – to put myself in the center of attention. Help me keep you in the center of attention – to make you the most important – to believe with every fiber of my being without one second of doubt about who you are and what you can do. You are all knowing. You are all seeing. Your ways are above my ways. Your thoughts are above my ways. I sit at your feet, longing to hear your voice and feel your touch. Thank you, Lord, for the privilege to be here. Thank you for your love. Thank you for your Word.